All in all it's just another brick in the wall. All we are saying, is give peace a chance! All together now!
I love that this is set in the near future (2054) as it will resonate with a lot of people. The premise of the story isn't unique, but because it's set in the future, and there are so many neat items that the writer brings up, it works well. The main characters of Boppa, Marie, Mia and Rolland flow well throughout the script. In their own ways, both Boppa and Marie can be looked at as the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time. Mia and Rolland, playing a secondary antagonist part, help keep things moving. I like how this goes from a simple interview to a full on chase (more or less) in the end. The build up to why Boppa wanted to go back to his hometown is a great turning point and surprise at the end. I thought the dialogue was spot on, even introducing a few words (flad, garbu and my favorite, trumpian) for a futuristic lean was a nice touch. I could envision all of this as I was reading it, which is the mark of a great story. Could a few things be tightened up or some dialogue be added or subtracted, possibly. In my opinion though, this script is a wonderful way to show interaction between generations on a much higher scale than just going to the old folks home and having a nice chat with your Great Grandpa. I'm looking forward to seeing how far this might go as I can see it as a feel good movie in the making. Good Luck!
The shorter the short, the harder it is to create the scene, develop the characters and drive to a climax. I liked the story. The concept was unique and has many different avenues it could take. I felt that the structure, character development and the dialogue could use some work. Being only five pages, I wondered how it would flesh out. We know Benjamin looks the slacker part, but is that it? Why does Jennifer want him gone? Just the remote? Adding another page of dialogue (A loud verbal snap from Benjamin “Shut the fuck up!” or “Can’t you at least clean this place up?”) and hints (i.e. unpaid bills on the table, dirty clothes heaped on the floor) to give us more background on why she wants him out. I like Hazel as she can provide either comic relief or chills of terror, depending on how you go about it. Think the Maitlands in Beatlejuice, they try several different things to scare the new family. Hazel could do the same. Either way, I think with some tweaking, this could be a really good short. Good luck!
Overall, I enjoyed it very much, until the end. I was afraid I missed something, so I re-read it again. Still seem to be missing something. I like the idea, the story and the characters (although I wonder why Mr. Cure would care about a former colleagues son to give him an overnight shift as a guard) but for the life of me, I can’t figure out the ending. That to me is the most important item in a short. I may not be the brightest bulb, but if I were you, I would either explain the ending better or have it finish in a way that is not only unexpected, but shocking. Maybe you intended that, but I don’t see it. Your formatting, pace and for the most part, the dialogue are done well, I just can’t get past the ending. I’m sure I’m missing it, but if I missed it, others probably will as well.
Where do I begin? I marked the concept as being fair, because using James Bond in an altered way (outside the normal formulatic Bond script) seems enticing. The problem is, I don't see it. Your formatting is OK, but the characters and dialogue are not good at this point. It's very hard to follow your story. As a writer, you see it in your head and try to transpose that to words on a page. Very few lines you've written to this point, would be uttered by anyone speaking to another person face to face. Here is just one example; you wrote: M You know what you need to do... BOND Find him and capture him. M Go on and Protect her majesties land. BOND Great Read out loud, that is not how that short exchange would or should have went. It would be more like: M You know what you need to do? Bond Obviously. As Bond goes to leave the room. M Oh, and Bond, try not to get yourself killed. Bond Of course! My suggestion to you is to put your notes down on paper as to where and how you want this story to unfold. Once you've done that, work on the character development and dialogue one piece at a time. As it stands, this needs lots of work, but could be interesting once you figure it out. Good Luck!
Reviewing a short is unique and interesting because the writer has to develop a character or characters, tell a story and bring it to a climax within a few short pages. You've done that well here. The story itself shows promise and the concept is neat, although not unique. With that said, there are some areas that, if worked on, could make this a really interesting script. First, the character development. As I mentioned in my first sentence, developing a character in a short can be difficult. Other than the few Youtube awards, we don't know that much about her. If would be interesting to see or hear how much she makes from this enterprise, or why she chose that over something else (cash strapped college girl vlogs instead of waiting tables or dancing at a club.) I had to read Janet's part again to be sure I didn't miss anything. I assume she's a friend, but a simple line such as: Martha wakes up over the constant vibration of her phone. She squints her eyes and reads the caller ID; Bestie!!! (JANET, 20, Best friend of Martha) and answers. Otherwise, we don't know who Janet is or why she's calling at Midnight. Who's Rob? Janet tells her it could be Rob because he works late. That makes no sense to us because we don't know who he is or why he would be near her apartment. Also, I'm confused about why Janet thinks that Martha produced the video of the bound girls. You write that Janet says, "Awesome viral, girl. How did you do that? Those bounded chicks and screams. Well played." That insinuates that Martha put it together, and the whole point of her vlog is that she does reactions to the videos she's sent. (Also, it should be bound chicks, not bounded.) I may be missing something, but that's how I read that. The last area that needs some work is the actual dialogue. When I taught commercial script writing classes 30 years ago, the number one rule was to read what you wrote out loud to see if it sounds correct. Writers get caught up in what they're writing that they sometimes forget to read it out loud. Here is a small example; you wrote: JANET (V.O.) (CONT'D) If you're scared, you can call the cops... In a heat of the moment situation, the word you usually isn't spoken because you're only talking to one person. It should read: JANET (V.O.) (CONT'D) Call the cops if you're scared. Like I mentioned, I like where you're going with this and with a little tweaking, I think you have yourself a nice short! Good Luck!