Script Mother

Mentor Character

Reviewer Rating: | Screenplays: 0 | Reviews: 7
Enjoys:
horror
drama

ScriptMother is an online screenwriting network for members to engage with a community of fellow writers and receive valuable reviews for their work. Individuals writing screenplays, novels, TV series, short films, and more can share their work with other writers to receive feedback on how to better the writing and enhance the idea. Connect with individuals in the industry and have your work presented to valuable connections. ScriptMother is constantly engaging with community members to ensure that the site is easy to use and provides a valuable resource for screenwriters and authors. It's free to set up a screenwriter account and begin reviewing other scripts while posting your own.

Recent Activity

Script Mother completed a review for
1 week ago
Wild Thing! tv series
Genre: Family,Comedy,Action/Adventure
Review Rating:
4 kids with newly-gained superpowers defeat a maniacal supervillain and his dim-witted assistant.

The strongest aspect of your script is the chemistry between your villain and his sidekick. The ability to portray the egotistical and maniacal mad scientist and his bumbling buffoon of an assistant comes naturally, and that is a big positive for creating a series out of your pilot. The other strong point is your concept. You never lose sight of the concept, and it shows in the camaraderie of your protagonists and how they look after each other. That being said, the script needs a lot of work. Throughout the episode, a lot of unrelated and inconsequential events and exchanges take place. Understandably, there are humorous moments and comic relief, and your desire to show us the world of these four friends is evident. However, the story tends to lose its direction, and character development is stunted within these scenes. A cardinal rule in screenwriting is that no matter what scene you write, you always want your characters to undergo a transformation. It can be a major transformation, such a realization or revelation of some kind. Or, it can be the smallest, most subtle transformation. Either way, it has to ingrain itself in the mind of the audience, and most importantly, move the story forward. A perfect example is in the beginning of the script when Max and his friends are figuring out what to do. MAX What should we do before Nana has finished the mince pies? ORIN I want to watch the next episode of Doctor Who, I haven’t missed one for 5 years straight! OSCAR I wanna just sit down and peacefully draw your cats. Pika looks like a giant turd! MAX Yes Oscar, isn’t that slightly offensive towards the cat. HARRISON I dunno GEORGE I will do whatever Harrison does. My dad has been using me as a lab rat all day. I am tired! Here you're providing the audience with a taste of each character's interests and what they enjoy, which you bring out later when they are granted with superpowers. But instead of crafting a scene that will move your story forward, it feels more like you're casually mentioning these important details and pushing the audience along. The scene also ends abruptly and we go into a quick montage of what they just discussed. Here's an example of how you could transform this bit: ------- MAX So guys, what should we do?...Um, guys? Max notices Oscar going straight for his cat. with a sketchpad and pencil. MAX Oscar, leave my cat alone! OSCAR But I like drawing your cat. He looks like a giant turd. Max looks the other direction and George asleep on the floor. MAX George, are you sleeping? GEORGE I can't help it. My dad's been using me for these crazy experiments. I'm exhausted! George yawns and the house shakes. The others give each other a weird look. MAX Come on, guys. We have to think of something. What did we all get together for? ORIN How about we watch Dr. Who? I never miss Dr. Who. JOSEPH No, how about Fortnite? GEORGE No, sleep! George yawns again, shaking the house. MAX Hold on. I've got a perfect idea. How about we do everything! EVERYONE Good! ----- This exchange reveals a lot more for the story. First, it shows that max is eager to do something with his friends, and that h'es definitely the leader and decision maker of the group. Also, it shows us that something is definitely going on with George, and it does so in a dramatic way (house shaking when he yawns). This give the audience an anticipation of what's to come. Mosto importantly, the characters undergo a transformation. At first, Max was agitated that his friends all seemed lost in their own world. By the end, Max takes the lead and decides for the party, and they all approve. Again, the overall plot tends to get lost in a lot of wordy dialogue that goes nowhere, so much that when the climax arrives, there's page's worth of script that you devote to the battle between Tanaka and your protagonists. In fact, the climax starts and ends abruptly, with little to no introduction to their rivalry. We don't see a verbal exchange between Dr. Tanaka and the four friends at all. They just swoop in, take care of him, and return home. Understandably, you have a half-hour script, so it's hard to fit in everything, especially with a pilot episode. But there's a lot of dialogue that can be chopped down and rewritten to serve the purpose of the story. The script definitely picks up when we meet the antagonist, but the direction of the story ultimately needs more work. Hope this helps!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a short script
1 week ago
James Bond 007-Long Love Lost short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Mystery/Suspense,Drama
Bond has a wild adventure ahead of him with his arch nemesis Blofeld.
Script Mother completed a review for
1 week ago
Them Wretched Souls feature
Genre: Western
Review Rating:
A Stranger with a sword and a Native American priest journey through Hell.

You tell an excellent and exceptional story. The riveting, action-packed sequences are very much empowered by the large range of strong and distinctive characters, which develop in their own way and leave almost no questions unasked. There are two fundamental issues you should address prior to shopping your script, and/or entering the screenwriting competition circuit. The first is technical, and more essential, and that is your action descriptions throughout the script. The action description, or action lines, can be wordy and far too explanatory at times. For instance, in the opening scene: The descriptions here are far too lengthy, and can tend to hammer the audience over the head with details. Of course, this ultimately did not take away from the incredible and action-packed story, but other industry professionals will take umbrage when confronted with unnecessary text that can be dwindled down and still retain their effectiveness. Here's how you might improve the above example: "He takes off his gloves, feels the fresh water and takes a deep breath as if it's his last. His horse lowers its head and takes a drink. The Stranger follows suit." Another example - PAGE 2 "So he does the only thing he can do in a situation like this. He YELLS. Yells like a madman. As if he's simultaneously taunting the wolf on and yet trying to scare it off." A key rule to follow is to avoid explaining a character's thought process or reasoning. Let the action always speak for itself. Of course, at times you may need to break this rule, but generally speaking, you want to treat action lines as though the actor, director or producer can infer the character's reasoning or purpose of action on their own. EXAMPLE REWRITTEN: "In a last ditch effort, the Stranger lets a menacing yell, scaring off the wolves." On the plus side, as your script progresses, the action line seem to flow better, especially during high action sequence. However, tightening up each action line will make a world of difference in the eyes of an industry professional. The second fundamental issue is your lack of monologue. This issue is not as pressing, but because your story and characters are so compelling and well-written, I would encourage you to explore the art of writing "the perfect monologue". Take "Kill Bill", for instance, which I can see a lot of the action and themes in "Them Wretched Souls". Despite the non-stop and stylish action Kill Bill provides, it would not hold nearly the same value without the use of monologues. There are several moments in the script where you do build the characters by having them reveal themselves, but a lot of the time their diatribe falls flat. The reason why is because of a missed opportunity for a monologue, which would allow the characters to shine and enthrall the reader. EXAMPLE: page 62 STRANGER We were passing through Memphis on our way to battle. Scheduled to fight in the morning. I was scared and thought it was going to be my last night on earth. That's when I saw her and all those feelings went away, and I forgot I was a married. He clenches his fists in anger. STRANGER (CONT’D) I can't even remember the girl's name, and yet, she's the one whose face I see every night. Gemma didn't deserve what Scratch did to her. She didn't deserve what I did to her either. But I'd do anything to see her face again. Just once. Now this is an important scene that reveals a major part of The Stranger's character and the demons he struggles with. It's a demon he needs to conquer and a well-written monologue is needed to allow the audience to feel the impact of this character's immeasurable conflict. Here's an example of how you turn it into a powerful monologue: First, what happens before The Stranger's line? Adam begins by saying: ADAM How do you do it? How do you stop yourself from burning it all down? Treat this as the "setup" for your monologue, as the setup can be just as important as the actual monologue itself. So let's use this, somehow tie it into the Stranger's monologue. have that monologue be about what keeps him from "burning it all down". Keep in mind, the following example was quickly written, and the point of it is to provide an idea of crafting a well-written monology. STRANGER We were passing through Memphis on our way to battle. Battle was at dawn, and I was sure it was going to be my last night on earth. You know when someone tells you they're not afraid to die? They're flat-out lying. No man can face a cold, lonely death without absolute fear, and that's what I felt for the first time. Shaking, sweating, crying inside. That's when I saw her, and all those feelings went away. I forgot about the battle. I forgot about the bloodshed and the countless men that had died in my arms. I even forgot I was married. The sight of her did to me what nothing else could do..... CONT'D I'd burn down everything just to see her face again. Just once. But I know she wouldn't want me to burn it down. Maybe that's what keeps me from doing it... This rewritten monologue takes the confession/"burn it all down" angle, and adds a whole new dynamic to it. And it makes the impact of Scratch's confession of what he did to the woman even greater. I would take some of your most favorite movies and draw from their monologues. Interestingly enough, Quentin Tarantino is the absolute king of monologues, so his films are a perfect resource. Also, keep in mind that great actors crave the perfect monologue, and they would literally "burn everything down" just to play the character that says it. The script is certainly worthy of a high-caliber monologue. Hope all of this helps!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
3 weeks ago
Angels Can Die tv series
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Horror
A young priest journeys with the devil and finds God.
Script Mother completed a review for
3 weeks ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Review Rating:
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy.

You won my attention from the very first page based upon Rosh’s immediately upbeat and lovable personality. I knew exactly who this teenager was based upon your description… and better yet, I loved him! From there, however, your action description quickly became overbearing. Following the old scriptwriting adage, you have “too much black on the page”. Keep your descriptions short and sweet. What are the most important details to tell your reader? And how can you accomplish that in the fewest, most impactful words possible? For example, you wrote the following paragraph on page 10: INT. CAFETERIA OF HORIZON HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON Rosh and Sal are sitting at a lunch table, they are sitting farther away from the more crowded lunch tables. Sal is showing something to Rosh on his iPad, he is also devouring Rosh's fries. Rosh is really angry and offended by this. But Sal just keeps on talking while still eating a mouthful of Rosh’s fries. Instead, why not try something like this: INT. CAFETERIA - HORIZON HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON Rosh and Sal sit at a secluded table. They scroll through Marvel memes on an iPad, Sal covertly stealing fries from Rosh. In the second version, the same exact information was conveyed (even with more character-building details) in less time and with fewer words. This most importantly frees up two extra lines for more story! I think if you challenged yourself to downsize some of your descriptions (especially the repetitive bits), you’d realize your script is more like 20 pages. That’s more of a short film and less of a half-hour pilot. Your script is incredibly endearing. Everyone has been 15 years old, pining over their high school crush. Take this relatability and make it BIG! If every teenager in the country struggles with this sort of conflict, why should we care specifically about Rosh and Sal? How are they different? How are they more interesting than other high schoolers sitting across the cafeteria? Furthermore, why do they want dates? Sure, we can assume it’s because they think Tracy and Lira are probably attractive and interesting girls. However, what deeper Character Need does accomplishing this goal fulfill? Is Rosh trying to prove to an older sibling that he’s not as awkward as he seems? Are both Sal and Lira’s parents divorced and therefore Sal is looking for a unique comfort from her? Show these inner wants vs. needs explicitly and early-on in your script. It will make your reader so much more invested in your protagonists’ journeys. While your first flashback showed us important plot information, the more you use, the more confusing they become. Are they all necessary? If you want flashbacks to be a staple of your show, use one or two tops. (“New Girl” does a good job of this.) Maybe use them as tone-building tail-ends for acts I and II. Using voice-overs, however, should be the opposite. If your protagonist is going to share information with us via voice-over, it needs to either be incredibly character building, information we wouldn’t be able to get otherwise, or inform your tone. (You could look at the use of Patton Oswalt’s character in “Happy!” as a good example of this. Likewise, J.D.’s hallucinations in “Scrubs” are a hallmark of the show.) If you can take out the voice-overs without any impact on your script, that means they aren’t necessary and should be cut. Watch out for repetitive moments. Your Marvel references (especially to Rocket Racoon), while cute, were mentioned so many times in such a short script that they lost their impact. Your characters also repeated each other several times within the dialogue. While Rosh and Sal are both likable characters, they’re not distinct enough from one another. The only way they are differentiated in the script is by their ethnicity and height. How are their personalities different? Is Rosh more of a comic-book nerd while Sal is boisterous and into cosplaying? Did one move to Horizon recently and the other has lived in this town their whole life? Does one have 5 siblings and the other is an only child? Is Rosh a straight-A student, but Sal is struggling to pass? As they currently stand, Rosh and Sal feel interchangeable. I want them to be unique from each other. As of now, you’ve written a heart-warming, easily likable short film. That’s great for a low budget student film, but not much else. If you’re looking to craft content producible for television, you should pare down your action description, address your characters wants vs. needs, determine how important flashbacks and voice-overs are, and do some character work. Those would make huge strides toward an improved next draft! Write on!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
3 weeks ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy.
Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
4 weeks ago
Wild Thing! tv series
Genre: Family,Comedy,Action/Adventure
4 kids with newly-gained superpowers defeat a maniacal supervillain and his dim-witted assistant.
Script Mother completed a review for
1 month ago
The Sacrifice short
Genre: Drama,Horror
Review Rating:
A young girl must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to appease the one she loves.

Abortion, especially that of a teenage girl, is an incredibly difficult subject to address respectfully. Attempting to tackle that in only 4 pages is bold. I don’t know what circumstances you wrote this short under, but I hope it was with great forethought and sympathy. I’m not necessarily saying that you should shy away from a tough subject matter like this. Film helps us understand and relate to challenging subjects. However, I urge you to consider the consequences of representing a child’s traumatic experience without the utmost discretion. Now onto notes... Is this a modern day script? Where does this girl live? Are Planned Parenthood services not available to her? How did she come to the decision that a coat-hanger abortion is the best choice? Obviously, this is an extremely traumatic experience for her. Anna wouldn’t necessarily be thinking clearly if she’s in such a desperate state (especially considering she’s also a child.) I’m not sure what tone you’re wanting to convey. From this draft, it seems that “The Sacrifice” is very grounded. In that case, I think you need to consider some of the factors surrounding our 4-minute shot of Anna’s life. As a writer, you should know what she was doing the week before this, an hour before, and 5 minutes before this. Our camera just happened to turn on and off to catch this short glimpse of her life. My biggest note has to do with the mechanics of the abortion itself. Has your life been touched by abortion? Do you know a woman who’s faced this choice? What sparked you to tell Anna’s incredibly heartbreaking story? Coat hanger abortions, while they do unfortunately still occur, are extremely rare. The more readily available women’s health services become, the less often extremely dangerous practices like this happen. If this is a modern script, then it makes me wonder why Anna chose this route. Women very often die when attempting coat-hanger abortions. Additionally, how does Anna know how to perform this procedure? Women aren’t just equipped with an understanding of how to terminate a pregnancy, especially a child Anna’s age. That factor alone made this script difficult to enjoy and take seriously as an audience member. I recommend further research on this topic before you do future rewrites. That problem aside, the rest of your script is considerably neat and tidy. There’s a beginning, middle, and end. You’re able to establish both of your characters clearly in a very short period of time. Your dialogue feels story-appropriate. You show us details rather than tell us details to move the plot along. Even though there’s “a lot of black on the page”, your script reads quickly and seamlessly without feeling novel-esque. Kudos to you for all of that. Ending on a positive note: my favorite moment of the script is when Anna hides the dirty rag in her trophy case. That’s a quick and poignant way to visually tell us the theme of your story! Write on!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a feature script
1 month ago
Them Wretched Souls feature
Genre: Western
A Stranger with a sword and a Native American priest journey through Hell.
Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
1 month ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they realize how struggles and setbacks can fuel a lot of change, even in the span of a few months.

Screenplays

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Reviews

Southside
Feature

Rating is only available to members
1 year ago | 2 reviews | 100 pages

5ive by 5ive
Short

Rating is only available to members
3 months ago | 2 reviews | 43 pages
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The Illustrator
Feature

Rating is only available to members
5 months ago | 2 reviews | 95 pages
Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 3 reviews | 111 pages

Wild Thing!
TV Series

Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 1 reviews | 25 pages
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Script Mother

Mentor Character

Reviewer Rating: | Screenplays: 0 | Reviews: 7
Enjoys:
horror
drama

ScriptMother is an online screenwriting network for members to engage with a community of fellow writers and receive valuable reviews for their work. Individuals writing screenplays, novels, TV series, short films, and more can share their work with other writers to receive feedback on how to better the writing and enhance the idea. Connect with individuals in the industry and have your work presented to valuable connections. ScriptMother is constantly engaging with community members to ensure that the site is easy to use and provides a valuable resource for screenwriters and authors. It's free to set up a screenwriter account and begin reviewing other scripts while posting your own.

Screenplays

No screenplays have been uploaded.

SHOW MORE
SHOW MORE

Reviews

Southside
Feature

Rating is only available to members
1 year ago | 2 reviews | 100 pages

5ive by 5ive
Short

Rating is only available to members
3 months ago | 2 reviews | 43 pages
SHOW MORE

The Illustrator
Feature

Rating is only available to members
5 months ago | 2 reviews | 95 pages
Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 3 reviews | 111 pages

Wild Thing!
TV Series

Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 1 reviews | 25 pages
SHOW MORE

Recent Activity

Script Mother completed a review for
1 week ago
Wild Thing! tv series
Genre: Family,Comedy,Action/Adventure
Review Rating:
4 kids with newly-gained superpowers defeat a maniacal supervillain and his dim-witted assistant.

The strongest aspect of your script is the chemistry between your villain and his sidekick. The ability to portray the egotistical and maniacal mad scientist and his bumbling buffoon of an assistant comes naturally, and that is a big positive for creating a series out of your pilot. The other strong point is your concept. You never lose sight of the concept, and it shows in the camaraderie of your protagonists and how they look after each other. That being said, the script needs a lot of work. Throughout the episode, a lot of unrelated and inconsequential events and exchanges take place. Understandably, there are humorous moments and comic relief, and your desire to show us the world of these four friends is evident. However, the story tends to lose its direction, and character development is stunted within these scenes. A cardinal rule in screenwriting is that no matter what scene you write, you always want your characters to undergo a transformation. It can be a major transformation, such a realization or revelation of some kind. Or, it can be the smallest, most subtle transformation. Either way, it has to ingrain itself in the mind of the audience, and most importantly, move the story forward. A perfect example is in the beginning of the script when Max and his friends are figuring out what to do. MAX What should we do before Nana has finished the mince pies? ORIN I want to watch the next episode of Doctor Who, I haven’t missed one for 5 years straight! OSCAR I wanna just sit down and peacefully draw your cats. Pika looks like a giant turd! MAX Yes Oscar, isn’t that slightly offensive towards the cat. HARRISON I dunno GEORGE I will do whatever Harrison does. My dad has been using me as a lab rat all day. I am tired! Here you're providing the audience with a taste of each character's interests and what they enjoy, which you bring out later when they are granted with superpowers. But instead of crafting a scene that will move your story forward, it feels more like you're casually mentioning these important details and pushing the audience along. The scene also ends abruptly and we go into a quick montage of what they just discussed. Here's an example of how you could transform this bit: ------- MAX So guys, what should we do?...Um, guys? Max notices Oscar going straight for his cat. with a sketchpad and pencil. MAX Oscar, leave my cat alone! OSCAR But I like drawing your cat. He looks like a giant turd. Max looks the other direction and George asleep on the floor. MAX George, are you sleeping? GEORGE I can't help it. My dad's been using me for these crazy experiments. I'm exhausted! George yawns and the house shakes. The others give each other a weird look. MAX Come on, guys. We have to think of something. What did we all get together for? ORIN How about we watch Dr. Who? I never miss Dr. Who. JOSEPH No, how about Fortnite? GEORGE No, sleep! George yawns again, shaking the house. MAX Hold on. I've got a perfect idea. How about we do everything! EVERYONE Good! ----- This exchange reveals a lot more for the story. First, it shows that max is eager to do something with his friends, and that h'es definitely the leader and decision maker of the group. Also, it shows us that something is definitely going on with George, and it does so in a dramatic way (house shaking when he yawns). This give the audience an anticipation of what's to come. Mosto importantly, the characters undergo a transformation. At first, Max was agitated that his friends all seemed lost in their own world. By the end, Max takes the lead and decides for the party, and they all approve. Again, the overall plot tends to get lost in a lot of wordy dialogue that goes nowhere, so much that when the climax arrives, there's page's worth of script that you devote to the battle between Tanaka and your protagonists. In fact, the climax starts and ends abruptly, with little to no introduction to their rivalry. We don't see a verbal exchange between Dr. Tanaka and the four friends at all. They just swoop in, take care of him, and return home. Understandably, you have a half-hour script, so it's hard to fit in everything, especially with a pilot episode. But there's a lot of dialogue that can be chopped down and rewritten to serve the purpose of the story. The script definitely picks up when we meet the antagonist, but the direction of the story ultimately needs more work. Hope this helps!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a short script
1 week ago
James Bond 007-Long Love Lost short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Mystery/Suspense,Drama
Bond has a wild adventure ahead of him with his arch nemesis Blofeld.
Script Mother completed a review for
1 week ago
Them Wretched Souls feature
Genre: Western
Review Rating:
A Stranger with a sword and a Native American priest journey through Hell.

You tell an excellent and exceptional story. The riveting, action-packed sequences are very much empowered by the large range of strong and distinctive characters, which develop in their own way and leave almost no questions unasked. There are two fundamental issues you should address prior to shopping your script, and/or entering the screenwriting competition circuit. The first is technical, and more essential, and that is your action descriptions throughout the script. The action description, or action lines, can be wordy and far too explanatory at times. For instance, in the opening scene: The descriptions here are far too lengthy, and can tend to hammer the audience over the head with details. Of course, this ultimately did not take away from the incredible and action-packed story, but other industry professionals will take umbrage when confronted with unnecessary text that can be dwindled down and still retain their effectiveness. Here's how you might improve the above example: "He takes off his gloves, feels the fresh water and takes a deep breath as if it's his last. His horse lowers its head and takes a drink. The Stranger follows suit." Another example - PAGE 2 "So he does the only thing he can do in a situation like this. He YELLS. Yells like a madman. As if he's simultaneously taunting the wolf on and yet trying to scare it off." A key rule to follow is to avoid explaining a character's thought process or reasoning. Let the action always speak for itself. Of course, at times you may need to break this rule, but generally speaking, you want to treat action lines as though the actor, director or producer can infer the character's reasoning or purpose of action on their own. EXAMPLE REWRITTEN: "In a last ditch effort, the Stranger lets a menacing yell, scaring off the wolves." On the plus side, as your script progresses, the action line seem to flow better, especially during high action sequence. However, tightening up each action line will make a world of difference in the eyes of an industry professional. The second fundamental issue is your lack of monologue. This issue is not as pressing, but because your story and characters are so compelling and well-written, I would encourage you to explore the art of writing "the perfect monologue". Take "Kill Bill", for instance, which I can see a lot of the action and themes in "Them Wretched Souls". Despite the non-stop and stylish action Kill Bill provides, it would not hold nearly the same value without the use of monologues. There are several moments in the script where you do build the characters by having them reveal themselves, but a lot of the time their diatribe falls flat. The reason why is because of a missed opportunity for a monologue, which would allow the characters to shine and enthrall the reader. EXAMPLE: page 62 STRANGER We were passing through Memphis on our way to battle. Scheduled to fight in the morning. I was scared and thought it was going to be my last night on earth. That's when I saw her and all those feelings went away, and I forgot I was a married. He clenches his fists in anger. STRANGER (CONT’D) I can't even remember the girl's name, and yet, she's the one whose face I see every night. Gemma didn't deserve what Scratch did to her. She didn't deserve what I did to her either. But I'd do anything to see her face again. Just once. Now this is an important scene that reveals a major part of The Stranger's character and the demons he struggles with. It's a demon he needs to conquer and a well-written monologue is needed to allow the audience to feel the impact of this character's immeasurable conflict. Here's an example of how you turn it into a powerful monologue: First, what happens before The Stranger's line? Adam begins by saying: ADAM How do you do it? How do you stop yourself from burning it all down? Treat this as the "setup" for your monologue, as the setup can be just as important as the actual monologue itself. So let's use this, somehow tie it into the Stranger's monologue. have that monologue be about what keeps him from "burning it all down". Keep in mind, the following example was quickly written, and the point of it is to provide an idea of crafting a well-written monology. STRANGER We were passing through Memphis on our way to battle. Battle was at dawn, and I was sure it was going to be my last night on earth. You know when someone tells you they're not afraid to die? They're flat-out lying. No man can face a cold, lonely death without absolute fear, and that's what I felt for the first time. Shaking, sweating, crying inside. That's when I saw her, and all those feelings went away. I forgot about the battle. I forgot about the bloodshed and the countless men that had died in my arms. I even forgot I was married. The sight of her did to me what nothing else could do..... CONT'D I'd burn down everything just to see her face again. Just once. But I know she wouldn't want me to burn it down. Maybe that's what keeps me from doing it... This rewritten monologue takes the confession/"burn it all down" angle, and adds a whole new dynamic to it. And it makes the impact of Scratch's confession of what he did to the woman even greater. I would take some of your most favorite movies and draw from their monologues. Interestingly enough, Quentin Tarantino is the absolute king of monologues, so his films are a perfect resource. Also, keep in mind that great actors crave the perfect monologue, and they would literally "burn everything down" just to play the character that says it. The script is certainly worthy of a high-caliber monologue. Hope all of this helps!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
3 weeks ago
Angels Can Die tv series
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy,Horror
A young priest journeys with the devil and finds God.
Script Mother completed a review for
3 weeks ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Review Rating:
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy.

You won my attention from the very first page based upon Rosh’s immediately upbeat and lovable personality. I knew exactly who this teenager was based upon your description… and better yet, I loved him! From there, however, your action description quickly became overbearing. Following the old scriptwriting adage, you have “too much black on the page”. Keep your descriptions short and sweet. What are the most important details to tell your reader? And how can you accomplish that in the fewest, most impactful words possible? For example, you wrote the following paragraph on page 10: INT. CAFETERIA OF HORIZON HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON Rosh and Sal are sitting at a lunch table, they are sitting farther away from the more crowded lunch tables. Sal is showing something to Rosh on his iPad, he is also devouring Rosh's fries. Rosh is really angry and offended by this. But Sal just keeps on talking while still eating a mouthful of Rosh’s fries. Instead, why not try something like this: INT. CAFETERIA - HORIZON HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON Rosh and Sal sit at a secluded table. They scroll through Marvel memes on an iPad, Sal covertly stealing fries from Rosh. In the second version, the same exact information was conveyed (even with more character-building details) in less time and with fewer words. This most importantly frees up two extra lines for more story! I think if you challenged yourself to downsize some of your descriptions (especially the repetitive bits), you’d realize your script is more like 20 pages. That’s more of a short film and less of a half-hour pilot. Your script is incredibly endearing. Everyone has been 15 years old, pining over their high school crush. Take this relatability and make it BIG! If every teenager in the country struggles with this sort of conflict, why should we care specifically about Rosh and Sal? How are they different? How are they more interesting than other high schoolers sitting across the cafeteria? Furthermore, why do they want dates? Sure, we can assume it’s because they think Tracy and Lira are probably attractive and interesting girls. However, what deeper Character Need does accomplishing this goal fulfill? Is Rosh trying to prove to an older sibling that he’s not as awkward as he seems? Are both Sal and Lira’s parents divorced and therefore Sal is looking for a unique comfort from her? Show these inner wants vs. needs explicitly and early-on in your script. It will make your reader so much more invested in your protagonists’ journeys. While your first flashback showed us important plot information, the more you use, the more confusing they become. Are they all necessary? If you want flashbacks to be a staple of your show, use one or two tops. (“New Girl” does a good job of this.) Maybe use them as tone-building tail-ends for acts I and II. Using voice-overs, however, should be the opposite. If your protagonist is going to share information with us via voice-over, it needs to either be incredibly character building, information we wouldn’t be able to get otherwise, or inform your tone. (You could look at the use of Patton Oswalt’s character in “Happy!” as a good example of this. Likewise, J.D.’s hallucinations in “Scrubs” are a hallmark of the show.) If you can take out the voice-overs without any impact on your script, that means they aren’t necessary and should be cut. Watch out for repetitive moments. Your Marvel references (especially to Rocket Racoon), while cute, were mentioned so many times in such a short script that they lost their impact. Your characters also repeated each other several times within the dialogue. While Rosh and Sal are both likable characters, they’re not distinct enough from one another. The only way they are differentiated in the script is by their ethnicity and height. How are their personalities different? Is Rosh more of a comic-book nerd while Sal is boisterous and into cosplaying? Did one move to Horizon recently and the other has lived in this town their whole life? Does one have 5 siblings and the other is an only child? Is Rosh a straight-A student, but Sal is struggling to pass? As they currently stand, Rosh and Sal feel interchangeable. I want them to be unique from each other. As of now, you’ve written a heart-warming, easily likable short film. That’s great for a low budget student film, but not much else. If you’re looking to craft content producible for television, you should pare down your action description, address your characters wants vs. needs, determine how important flashbacks and voice-overs are, and do some character work. Those would make huge strides toward an improved next draft! Write on!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
3 weeks ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they recount the events in which Rosh meets his crush, Tracy.
Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
4 weeks ago
Wild Thing! tv series
Genre: Family,Comedy,Action/Adventure
4 kids with newly-gained superpowers defeat a maniacal supervillain and his dim-witted assistant.
Script Mother completed a review for
1 month ago
The Sacrifice short
Genre: Drama,Horror
Review Rating:
A young girl must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to appease the one she loves.

Abortion, especially that of a teenage girl, is an incredibly difficult subject to address respectfully. Attempting to tackle that in only 4 pages is bold. I don’t know what circumstances you wrote this short under, but I hope it was with great forethought and sympathy. I’m not necessarily saying that you should shy away from a tough subject matter like this. Film helps us understand and relate to challenging subjects. However, I urge you to consider the consequences of representing a child’s traumatic experience without the utmost discretion. Now onto notes... Is this a modern day script? Where does this girl live? Are Planned Parenthood services not available to her? How did she come to the decision that a coat-hanger abortion is the best choice? Obviously, this is an extremely traumatic experience for her. Anna wouldn’t necessarily be thinking clearly if she’s in such a desperate state (especially considering she’s also a child.) I’m not sure what tone you’re wanting to convey. From this draft, it seems that “The Sacrifice” is very grounded. In that case, I think you need to consider some of the factors surrounding our 4-minute shot of Anna’s life. As a writer, you should know what she was doing the week before this, an hour before, and 5 minutes before this. Our camera just happened to turn on and off to catch this short glimpse of her life. My biggest note has to do with the mechanics of the abortion itself. Has your life been touched by abortion? Do you know a woman who’s faced this choice? What sparked you to tell Anna’s incredibly heartbreaking story? Coat hanger abortions, while they do unfortunately still occur, are extremely rare. The more readily available women’s health services become, the less often extremely dangerous practices like this happen. If this is a modern script, then it makes me wonder why Anna chose this route. Women very often die when attempting coat-hanger abortions. Additionally, how does Anna know how to perform this procedure? Women aren’t just equipped with an understanding of how to terminate a pregnancy, especially a child Anna’s age. That factor alone made this script difficult to enjoy and take seriously as an audience member. I recommend further research on this topic before you do future rewrites. That problem aside, the rest of your script is considerably neat and tidy. There’s a beginning, middle, and end. You’re able to establish both of your characters clearly in a very short period of time. Your dialogue feels story-appropriate. You show us details rather than tell us details to move the plot along. Even though there’s “a lot of black on the page”, your script reads quickly and seamlessly without feeling novel-esque. Kudos to you for all of that. Ending on a positive note: my favorite moment of the script is when Anna hides the dirty rag in her trophy case. That’s a quick and poignant way to visually tell us the theme of your story! Write on!

Script Mother just claimed a review for a feature script
1 month ago
Them Wretched Souls feature
Genre: Western
A Stranger with a sword and a Native American priest journey through Hell.
Script Mother just claimed a review for a television script
1 month ago
Plans are Fantasies: Episode 1 - "Pilot" tv series
Genre: Comedy,Romance,Mystery/Suspense
Plans and fantasies have one thing in common, they aren’t going to happen exactly as you planned. Rosh and Sal collectively learn this as they realize how struggles and setbacks can fuel a lot of change, even in the span of a few months.