D Ray Van

Well-Developed Character

Reviewer Rating: | Screenplays: 19 | Reviews: 11

I'm retired and enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets.

Following

Recent Activity

A review was just purchased for a feature script. Claim it here.
1 month ago
feature
Genre: Western,Drama,Thriller
After cheating death several times, a gang of murderous outlaws is confident a holy relic will protect them from permanent harm, but when the Rider comes, seeking retribution, will death finally win this hand?
A review was just purchased for a short script. Claim it here.
1 month ago
short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
D Ray Van uploaded a short screenplay
1 month ago
5ive by 5ive short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
D Ray Van uploaded a short screenplay
2 months ago
7 by 7: The Amorous Adventure of Husk Gentry short
Genre: Western
Are the man’s claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events? Two cowboys can’t decide after hearing the story of his imprisonment for stud-services to seven beautiful women.
D Ray Van just claimed a review for a short script
3 months ago
The Anti-Christ Kid short
Genre: Mystery/Suspense,Thriller,Drama
A ghostly, demon like X-Men type story with the beginning starts in a foggy day. Then a girl has an X-men demon type experience.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
The Reformer short
Genre: History,Thriller
Review Rating:
This screenplay is a journey through Martin Luther's life to give us historical facts as well as insights into his reformation. Whether or not the events of his lifetime could have influenced the Holocaust is left for the reader to decide.

• Critique categories: • Establish the time-period? Not until scene #6. Scene #1 is a montage of voice-over images from WWII’s Jewish Holocaust, and then in scene #2, we are transported back in time. In scene #6, we discover it’s the 1500s. • Set the scene(s)? Yes – Descriptions of the people, places, and things are adequate to get the feel of the setting. • Introduce the MCs? Not really. I’m a Protestant, so I’m keenly familiar with Martin Luther and the Reformation his 95 Theses caused. However, I don’t have a clue, without a quick Google, what his physical characteristics were at the time of your script: age, build, etc. It would be informative to include these personal details. • Story draws the reader in? Because of my religious background, I was enticed; however, I’m not sure, sorry to say, the average reader would be. For one thing, the dialogue of that period takes some serious attention. Does a moviegoer have what it takes for heavy, theological passages? • Scenes well-written? By in large, yes – See my comments on errors. • Protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Yes. • MC arc satisfying? Well... Yes. Although we pick up his story in 1521, his “trial,” he wrote and posted his 95 Theses in 1517. He gives testimony, “tells,” in his defense; what your story lacks, is “showing” how his thinking changed. I believe this would have been a more compelling script. • Characters drive the story? Yes. • Feel for the characters? Yes. • Dialogue drives the story? Yes, but deep, theological discussions can leave most behind; although, I found them quite absorbing. • Conflict real/genuine? Don’t know your source for the action scenes, but they seemed too Hollywood for me. Although the F-word has its origins in 16th century Germany, I find it very hard to believe Luther would engage in the dialogue at the end of scene #42. I could be wrong. • Pacing? Okay.

D Ray Van just claimed a review for a short script
3 months ago
The Reformer short
Genre: History,Thriller
This screenplay is a journey through Martin Luther's life to give us historical facts as well as insights into his reformation. Whether or not the events of his lifetime could have influenced the Holocaust is left for the reader to decide.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
Alternative feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Comedy
Review Rating:
After getting fed up with evil winning in the end of horror movies, a man decides to take matters into his own hands.

Critique: • Does your script set the scene? Yes – Describes the MC’s workplace, living conditions, as well as his best friend’s situation, Josh. • Does your script set the time-period? No – However, it suggests a contemporary time-period. • Does your script introduce the MCs? Yes – Describes Richard as a misfit engineer/designer, age, physical attributes, and preferences. Your text describes Josh, a supporting character, as a live-at-home-with-Mamma, real misfit, who seems to have one goal in life: watch horror movies with Richard. • Does your story draw me in? Not really. Although yours is an exciting concept, I failed to connect with your story – see my comments below. • Are the scenes well-written? I didn’t think so. I’m not prudish; however, I was put off by the language. Well... That’s me, so I exported your script to Word and altered all the offensive words to get through it. Then I could enjoy the storyline. But I found punctuation, spelling, and formatting errors. Other reviewers have pointed them out, so I won’t go into detail. • Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Not for me. As I read, I felt I was viewing a graphic novel where gore was the main character. After a while, I was numb to it and yawned. • Is the MC arc satisfying? No – I’m not clear on what Richard learned from this experience, how he changed—for good or bad. • Do the characters drive the story? Yes – You build a pretty pathetic life for Richard and Josh, and although a device to open a portal in a horror movie, or any movie for that matter, is impossible, it is nonetheless intriguing. • Do you feel for the characters? Initially, Richard’s situation engendered an emotional response, but after that, it was pure action, and I didn’t have much invested in them. • Does the dialogue drive the story? Barely. Besides being overly-laced with expletives, I thought it was unnatural and stiff. • Is the conflict with Boss real/genuine? Yes, for the most part. However, her reaction to Richard at the end, knowing he was the cause of the chaos and her lover’s death, was unbelievable. • Is the other conflict real/genuine? Difficult to judge. On the one hand, I’d expect it to be graphic-novel-ish and give you a thumbs up. But on the other hand, the action/conflict was repetitive and predictable. • Pacing? Good – The script didn’t slow down except for the flashbacks. • Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Not really. As I’ve mentioned before: For me, Michelle’s reaction to Richard was unbelievable. I didn’t find a clear MC arc: a change for good or bad, lessons learned, character strengthened, etc. Having the Alternator device come to life and Fade To Black just didn’t satisfy me.

D Ray Van just claimed a review for a feature script
3 months ago
Alternative feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Comedy
After getting fed up with evil winning in the end of horror movies, a man decides to take matters into his own hands.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
James Bond 007-Long Love Lost short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Mystery/Suspense,Drama
Review Rating:
Bond has a wild adventure ahead of him with his arch nemesis Blofeld.

By choosing to write a script whose main character is James Bond, you’ve set a very high bar, and usually, only the most seasoned writers tackle this momentous task. Unfortunately, you fell short of that bar. Here are the areas where I judged your script: 1. Does your script set the scene/time-period? Yes and no. We know it’s the interior of MI-6 (wherever that is: from other Bond movies, MI-6 is in London; however, if you’re the one person who has not heard of James Bond, you’d have no idea where your MC is other than a nebulous place called MI-6. Later we learn it’s in London.) The time-frame is sketchy: Reference to B/W TV is odd when other references are more modern. 2. Does your script introduce the MCs? Yes and No. Since your MC is Bond, little in the way of description is necessary for those of us who've been following the Bond character since Dr. No, but there may be someone who hasn’t had the pleasure, and for them, I have to give your script a flat No on character description. 3. Does your story draw me in? I’m sorry to say, your story did not. The plot is thinly envisioned (I couldn’t help thinking of Mike Myer’s Dr. Evil character of Austin Powers). 4. Are the scenes well-written? No. Too many errors (50+ missing punctuation; ~20 inappropriate punctuation; 50+ misspelling, capitalization, missing words) detracted from any hope of salvaging each scene. 5. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? No. 6. Do the characters drive the story? No, for the reasons mentioned above. 7. Do you feel for the characters? No, not really. 8. Does the dialogue drive the story? No. The dialogue is sophomoric and unnatural. 9. Is the conflict real/genuine? No. 10. Pacing? About right for this script-length. 11. Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? No use beating a dead horse.

Comments

Erez
As someone whose a writing aficionado, you seem to only have one screenplay, with one review that is probably you or a friend of yours, why??? Because everyone is probably avoiding it. I am getting feedback for it, no need to be a deadbeat, redneck jerk. Also, you seem to think that there weren't all the technology I mentioned back in the BW TVs, I did put a payphone in the mix, there were bombs back then too. If you've really watched the movies, there is hardly much realistic parts to them, that's what makes the movies interesting, along with the realistic parts and the story overall. Have you heard of review etiquette? Yes, lots of critics are jerks, they are horrible people who've ruined loads of peoples lives... You one of them? Would you want to have people tear you apart, especially if you are a starter on here. I may give rough reviews too, but at least I give constructive feedback, not baseless, dumb ass comments. Thanks for the review, I appreciate your idiocy... Your biggest fan, Erez Bailen
reply

Screenplays

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Draft #2 | Genre: Western,Drama,Thriller
After cheating death several times, a gang of murderous outlaws is confident a holy relic will protect them from permanent harm, but when the Rider comes, seeking retribution, will death finally win this hand?
Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 1 reviews | 122 pages

5ive by 5ive
Short

Draft #1 | Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
Rating is only available to members
1 month ago | 2 reviews | 43 pages
SHOW MORE

Reviews

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 2 reviews | 5 pages
SHOW MORE

Dream of Mirrors
TV Series

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 2 reviews | 32 pages

Bride-To-Be
Short

Rating is only available to members
4 months ago | 3 reviews | 2 pages
Rating is only available to members
3 months ago | 2 reviews | 15 pages
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 6 reviews | 9 pages

Alternative
Feature

Rating is only available to members
5 months ago | 7 reviews | 70 pages
SHOW MORE

D Ray Van

Well-Developed Character

Reviewer Rating: | Screenplays: 19 | Reviews: 11

I'm retired and enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets.

Following

Screenplays

SHOW MORE
Draft #2 | Genre: Western,Drama,Thriller
After cheating death several times, a gang of murderous outlaws is confident a holy relic will protect them from permanent harm, but when the Rider comes, seeking retribution, will death finally win this hand?
Rating is only available to members
2 months ago | 1 reviews | 122 pages

5ive by 5ive
Short

Draft #1 | Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
Rating is only available to members
1 month ago | 2 reviews | 43 pages
SHOW MORE

Reviews

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 2 reviews | 5 pages
SHOW MORE

Dream of Mirrors
TV Series

Rating is only available to members
9 months ago | 2 reviews | 32 pages

Bride-To-Be
Short

Rating is only available to members
4 months ago | 3 reviews | 2 pages
Rating is only available to members
3 months ago | 2 reviews | 15 pages
Rating is only available to members
6 months ago | 6 reviews | 9 pages

Alternative
Feature

Rating is only available to members
5 months ago | 7 reviews | 70 pages
SHOW MORE

Recent Activity

A review was just purchased for a feature script. Claim it here.
1 month ago
feature
Genre: Western,Drama,Thriller
After cheating death several times, a gang of murderous outlaws is confident a holy relic will protect them from permanent harm, but when the Rider comes, seeking retribution, will death finally win this hand?
A review was just purchased for a short script. Claim it here.
1 month ago
short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
D Ray Van uploaded a short screenplay
1 month ago
5ive by 5ive short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Western
A scruffy man wanders into camp, seeking sustenance. He tells a fantastic story about his escape from a commune of five beautiful women and free love. Are his claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events?
D Ray Van uploaded a short screenplay
2 months ago
7 by 7: The Amorous Adventure of Husk Gentry short
Genre: Western
Are the man’s claims sunstroke ravings, fanciful imaginations, or actual events? Two cowboys can’t decide after hearing the story of his imprisonment for stud-services to seven beautiful women.
D Ray Van just claimed a review for a short script
3 months ago
The Anti-Christ Kid short
Genre: Mystery/Suspense,Thriller,Drama
A ghostly, demon like X-Men type story with the beginning starts in a foggy day. Then a girl has an X-men demon type experience.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
The Reformer short
Genre: History,Thriller
Review Rating:
This screenplay is a journey through Martin Luther's life to give us historical facts as well as insights into his reformation. Whether or not the events of his lifetime could have influenced the Holocaust is left for the reader to decide.

• Critique categories: • Establish the time-period? Not until scene #6. Scene #1 is a montage of voice-over images from WWII’s Jewish Holocaust, and then in scene #2, we are transported back in time. In scene #6, we discover it’s the 1500s. • Set the scene(s)? Yes – Descriptions of the people, places, and things are adequate to get the feel of the setting. • Introduce the MCs? Not really. I’m a Protestant, so I’m keenly familiar with Martin Luther and the Reformation his 95 Theses caused. However, I don’t have a clue, without a quick Google, what his physical characteristics were at the time of your script: age, build, etc. It would be informative to include these personal details. • Story draws the reader in? Because of my religious background, I was enticed; however, I’m not sure, sorry to say, the average reader would be. For one thing, the dialogue of that period takes some serious attention. Does a moviegoer have what it takes for heavy, theological passages? • Scenes well-written? By in large, yes – See my comments on errors. • Protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Yes. • MC arc satisfying? Well... Yes. Although we pick up his story in 1521, his “trial,” he wrote and posted his 95 Theses in 1517. He gives testimony, “tells,” in his defense; what your story lacks, is “showing” how his thinking changed. I believe this would have been a more compelling script. • Characters drive the story? Yes. • Feel for the characters? Yes. • Dialogue drives the story? Yes, but deep, theological discussions can leave most behind; although, I found them quite absorbing. • Conflict real/genuine? Don’t know your source for the action scenes, but they seemed too Hollywood for me. Although the F-word has its origins in 16th century Germany, I find it very hard to believe Luther would engage in the dialogue at the end of scene #42. I could be wrong. • Pacing? Okay.

D Ray Van just claimed a review for a short script
3 months ago
The Reformer short
Genre: History,Thriller
This screenplay is a journey through Martin Luther's life to give us historical facts as well as insights into his reformation. Whether or not the events of his lifetime could have influenced the Holocaust is left for the reader to decide.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
Alternative feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Comedy
Review Rating:
After getting fed up with evil winning in the end of horror movies, a man decides to take matters into his own hands.

Critique: • Does your script set the scene? Yes – Describes the MC’s workplace, living conditions, as well as his best friend’s situation, Josh. • Does your script set the time-period? No – However, it suggests a contemporary time-period. • Does your script introduce the MCs? Yes – Describes Richard as a misfit engineer/designer, age, physical attributes, and preferences. Your text describes Josh, a supporting character, as a live-at-home-with-Mamma, real misfit, who seems to have one goal in life: watch horror movies with Richard. • Does your story draw me in? Not really. Although yours is an exciting concept, I failed to connect with your story – see my comments below. • Are the scenes well-written? I didn’t think so. I’m not prudish; however, I was put off by the language. Well... That’s me, so I exported your script to Word and altered all the offensive words to get through it. Then I could enjoy the storyline. But I found punctuation, spelling, and formatting errors. Other reviewers have pointed them out, so I won’t go into detail. • Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? Not for me. As I read, I felt I was viewing a graphic novel where gore was the main character. After a while, I was numb to it and yawned. • Is the MC arc satisfying? No – I’m not clear on what Richard learned from this experience, how he changed—for good or bad. • Do the characters drive the story? Yes – You build a pretty pathetic life for Richard and Josh, and although a device to open a portal in a horror movie, or any movie for that matter, is impossible, it is nonetheless intriguing. • Do you feel for the characters? Initially, Richard’s situation engendered an emotional response, but after that, it was pure action, and I didn’t have much invested in them. • Does the dialogue drive the story? Barely. Besides being overly-laced with expletives, I thought it was unnatural and stiff. • Is the conflict with Boss real/genuine? Yes, for the most part. However, her reaction to Richard at the end, knowing he was the cause of the chaos and her lover’s death, was unbelievable. • Is the other conflict real/genuine? Difficult to judge. On the one hand, I’d expect it to be graphic-novel-ish and give you a thumbs up. But on the other hand, the action/conflict was repetitive and predictable. • Pacing? Good – The script didn’t slow down except for the flashbacks. • Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? Not really. As I’ve mentioned before: For me, Michelle’s reaction to Richard was unbelievable. I didn’t find a clear MC arc: a change for good or bad, lessons learned, character strengthened, etc. Having the Alternator device come to life and Fade To Black just didn’t satisfy me.

D Ray Van just claimed a review for a feature script
3 months ago
Alternative feature
Genre: Action/Adventure,Horror,Comedy
After getting fed up with evil winning in the end of horror movies, a man decides to take matters into his own hands.
D Ray Van completed a review for
3 months ago
James Bond 007-Long Love Lost short
Genre: Action/Adventure,Mystery/Suspense,Drama
Review Rating:
Bond has a wild adventure ahead of him with his arch nemesis Blofeld.

By choosing to write a script whose main character is James Bond, you’ve set a very high bar, and usually, only the most seasoned writers tackle this momentous task. Unfortunately, you fell short of that bar. Here are the areas where I judged your script: 1. Does your script set the scene/time-period? Yes and no. We know it’s the interior of MI-6 (wherever that is: from other Bond movies, MI-6 is in London; however, if you’re the one person who has not heard of James Bond, you’d have no idea where your MC is other than a nebulous place called MI-6. Later we learn it’s in London.) The time-frame is sketchy: Reference to B/W TV is odd when other references are more modern. 2. Does your script introduce the MCs? Yes and No. Since your MC is Bond, little in the way of description is necessary for those of us who've been following the Bond character since Dr. No, but there may be someone who hasn’t had the pleasure, and for them, I have to give your script a flat No on character description. 3. Does your story draw me in? I’m sorry to say, your story did not. The plot is thinly envisioned (I couldn’t help thinking of Mike Myer’s Dr. Evil character of Austin Powers). 4. Are the scenes well-written? No. Too many errors (50+ missing punctuation; ~20 inappropriate punctuation; 50+ misspelling, capitalization, missing words) detracted from any hope of salvaging each scene. 5. Is the protagonist/antagonist compelling enough? No. 6. Do the characters drive the story? No, for the reasons mentioned above. 7. Do you feel for the characters? No, not really. 8. Does the dialogue drive the story? No. The dialogue is sophomoric and unnatural. 9. Is the conflict real/genuine? No. 10. Pacing? About right for this script-length. 11. Does the Climax/Resolution satisfy the reader? No use beating a dead horse.

Comments

Erez
As someone whose a writing aficionado, you seem to only have one screenplay, with one review that is probably you or a friend of yours, why??? Because everyone is probably avoiding it. I am getting feedback for it, no need to be a deadbeat, redneck jerk. Also, you seem to think that there weren't all the technology I mentioned back in the BW TVs, I did put a payphone in the mix, there were bombs back then too. If you've really watched the movies, there is hardly much realistic parts to them, that's what makes the movies interesting, along with the realistic parts and the story overall. Have you heard of review etiquette? Yes, lots of critics are jerks, they are horrible people who've ruined loads of peoples lives... You one of them? Would you want to have people tear you apart, especially if you are a starter on here. I may give rough reviews too, but at least I give constructive feedback, not baseless, dumb ass comments. Thanks for the review, I appreciate your idiocy... Your biggest fan, Erez Bailen
reply