Blaise is a script analyst and reader for Shorescripts.com, as well as consulting privately with clients including writers, directors, producers, and actors. He also read scripts for a production company in London, TheFyzz.com. He’s also an optioned and commissioned writer currently working on two shorts with two different directors.
The prose and dialogue were written very well and the script flowed smoothly, made sense, and had some nice emotional moments. But because the underlying storytelling structure was not effective those emotional moments did not fully hit home. Adding a physical and achievable goal for the protagonist would give him something to pursue and obstacles to overcome while this relationship drama plays out. This would make the protagonist active and give the story both the legs and the structure it needs.
The Script read very well and the world was wonderfully interesting and immersive, while the opening few pages were one of the best introductions to a story I have read in a very long time. However, the setup of the story does need much more consideration in terms of the protagonist and their goals, who is driving the story, and to what end. It does also need some fresh ideas to add to this scenario – changing the system is one but might not be quite enough. Does Levi have an alternative system that could be hinted at? Finally, I do recommend this book about the trickster as it is all about crossing boundaries, breaking rules, and changing systems and societies and this is a role that both Levi and Rachel play to some degree or other and essentially, what the story is about.
The screenplay is well presented and read very well and the characters are relatable and engaging but I'm not sure if there is enough narrative drive to the story. Furthermore, the last act does have some issues in terms of conflict and the main characters working to achieve their goal. Adding the suspense of whether to the already existing tension of when might help the first three-quarters of the script, but the final act does need some conflict so the couple has obstacles to overcome so they can achieve their goal of being together.