May Screenplays of the month
To be eligible for Screenplay of the Month,
your script needs
at least 2 complete reviews within the last 59 days (Apr 1, 2020).
Visit your screenplay page to request a review.
Script of the Month finalists get the following:
- Screenplay featured on the front page of ScriptMother
- Free complimentary coverage form ScriptMother professional coverage experts
- 15 free credits
First off the writing is just amazing. The text flows well and the dialogue never feels bloated or unnatural. The writer has skills to write any kind of story when it comes to structure and flow. This story is a difficult one to write since it doesn't have a traditional protagonist or antagonist. There are several characters, but the writer manages it well. All characters got unique personality and their own way of speaking. It's shown rather than told as well, there is no annoying exposition or passive characters. So what could be better? First off I did not find all characters interesting. Even with their deadly sin traits, they were not always very extreme. What did they actually get done in their scenes? I think some characters could use of a better subplot, or show their traits in a more extreme situation. Another issue with this nontraditional story is that there's no real goal. As a reader, I do not know what to pay attention to. Often this is saved by witty and well-written dialogue, but some sort of common goal would make it easier to read. A minor detail is that there could be a lot of scene shifts. Perhaps using sub-scenes would give it a better flow, or skipping some of the shorter scenes. The flashback scene with the parent's photo was hard to follow and too long. I would try to either not have it as a flashback or make it shorter. Summary: An extremely well-written story, the writer has the potential to write anything. Too many characters without any clear goal, the story would be more interesting if more important things happened to them.
The script is very disjointed. It really isn't clear in the set of the opening scenes if the intent is either a dream of flashback, The utilization of the watch as the symbolic tie between the father and son does tie into the son's other issues at the moment. The police station sequence is very wording, and dialog is more story telling than any realistic police conversation you would witness or overhear. Nor would the cop in the holding cell with the suspect probably want to sit down to an administrative cop and say, "let me tell you a story." A lot of the key tension dialog between Cobb and his antagonist seem to be public discussions in venues that would not occur in reality as Cobb's supervisors issues with Cobb not willing to take money to get along. The family members who ask Cobb to consider eliminating the robbery suspect in a conversation in the middle of the police parking lot. Some of the other set up aren't clear as establishing two different hospitals reflect real time events of Cobb's son in duress, and Cobb in another hospital to guard but really eliminate the robbery suspect. It us also loaded with what not to do if you are part of a crime: Like being followed up by Cobb's contractors confronting him in the surveilled hospital lobby regarding whether the suspect was dead or not. It is a story that probably should end in tragedy, but it doesn't. That's all you need to know.Writ
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