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Approved
Summary
3 Reviews |
3 pages |
6 years ago
|
Draft 1
An emotional Fiona balances on the edge of a building’s roof until Timothy, inebriated, discovers her and decides to be her hero.
His efforts to save her are heightened when she is encouraged by an onlooker to jump.
He manages to swoop her to safety, but his victory is soon dampened by her thanklessness, and her true situation is revealed.
His efforts to save her are heightened when she is encouraged by an onlooker to jump.
He manages to swoop her to safety, but his victory is soon dampened by her thanklessness, and her true situation is revealed.
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3 pages are very short. I started to be empathic to the man and his body language being realistic enough to be visualized. However, the woman was 2-dimensional. She gave little dialogue, the scene could have used the sounds of the film crew or a fake audio track of vehicle traffic or city sounds. He sobered up too fast to be believable. How did he get to the roof? Was he alone? Did he come from a party? Was he part of the film crew? The woman and...
I really like your twist you got going there. I didn't expect that at all. I'll applaud you for being able to keeping this script short and to the point. It may be a tad short for a short film but I'm sure it works for this script. The thing that cuases some problems however are your dialouge and actions line descriptions. I suggest you should do more descriptions of the scenery as I was having a little trouble visualizing everything. Describe th...
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