Deus Machinae feature
#Sci-Fi/Fantasy #Thriller
By
Lief
Johnson
When four college students go missing, a young intelligence operative is thrust into the most confusing and downright disturbing case she's ever had the (mis)pleasure of working on. But is reality all it seems?
Awards
Approved
Summary
1 Reviews |
121 pages |
2 years ago
|
Draft 2
Jamie Williams is an intelligence operative in the world of Terravari - an alternate version of Earth where rich, genetically enhanced humans, known as Elites, have become the ruling class, while the poor, unenhanced humans, known as Terrans, are left in extreme squalor. Jamie begins to investigate the mysterious disappearance of four Elite college students, and learns of a strange entity only known as Deus Machinae, who's hellbent on destroying the leading augment manufacturer, AlphaMeta. Jamie must race against time and her deteriorating sanity to put a stop to his plans.
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As I’ve already stated your action lines ruin the rest of the script, it doesn’t even matter that they’re written well or not they are far too long. Even if someone gets past the first page they will drop the script after the first ten pages, again I’m sorry but it’s the truth here.
Now everything else here is totally fine. Which is bloody great cause the character / dialogue and overall story
Again not trying to tell you need to rewrite the...
Top Reviewer
This is a very promising backbone to a great script. At the moment, while good, it's not perfect. The biggest thing I recommend on developing is Jamie and Kaden's relationship, and adding a bit more meat to the story to add to the weight of the ending reveal. But overall, I enjoyed this script, I look forward to what comes next :)
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