An inexperienced and young knight named Ian dances with the knight of an imposing knight named Richard Swift. After insulting Richard, Richard challenges Ian to a duel. Ian tries to run away but is confronted by a witch. The witch interrogates Ian and gives him a set of rusted armor that is imbued with magic. Because the magical armor is impenetrable, Ian defeats Richard. Ian goes on to have many successes over the years and becomes an esteemed knight because of his magic armor. One day, Richard's son George challenges Ian to a duel which Ian accepts. Ian decides to have suit of golden armor made to replace his magic armor to appease his ego and vanity. Because gold is heavy and not strong, Ian is defeated by George.
Personally, I think you should add some dialogue or other interaction between Ian and Eloise near the start of the story. I don't know what her opinion is of Ian or her husband. She was willing to dance with a younger man and they danced beautifully together, but she also cried at the death of her husband, I'm not entirely sure how she feels about either ma...
A few things:
Page 13, the title should read THREE WEEKS LATER, not MONTHS.
The action blocks are a little too thick, and there are sentences that don't need to be there. Only write what needs to be shown. If this were a full-length feature and I saw these blocks of action, I'd...