Overall its a good concept, however not so surprising. It follows the same trend of horror story telling and so for me no out of the box. I appreciate the pace at which the story is being told but sometimes it too fast. Dialogues are simple, not preachy. But I believe it can be developed further. It does not evoke emotion at all. The characters are not fleshed out. We don't feel them. Make them more human-flesh and blood. Its too long. 165 pages is unbelievable. Trim it. Remove scenes which are not adding any value to the story. There are lots of them. Try to get attention of the theme in first few minutes. Since its horror, thriller, we expect things to go fast and hence all the conflicts, emotions, surprised need to happen soon. Last suggestion, don't read/watch any horror-thriller when you are writing. This reflects in the writing. Create your own style, avoid jump scares, think out of the box.
Its a messed up script. The writing is immature. Screenplay format has gone horribly wrong. Can't figure it out what's going on, who are these characters. Doesn't describe them the first time we meet. Doesn't describe the setting. It needs lot of re-writing, reading other screenplay formats. What is the theme? Themes are very important for shorts. And they needs to be put out as soon as possible. The dialogues are really bad and long. Boring. Use exposition whenever there's required to be long conversation. Else it will bore the audience. The pacing should be fast since its a short. Underdeveloped characters. Describe them. Make it more flesh and blood. Read it again and again and think- Can I trim it down by removing the unnecessary conversation yet giving the audience the intent of the scene. You have just 10-15 minutes time to tell the story, use it more beneficially to get into the theme of the story.
Overall its a good story with structured story telling. Try to keep it below 120 pages. Develop the supporting characters a bit. Add some more shock values. Try avoiding long conversations as the nature of the story is supposed to be a thriller, it may disconnect the audience and at times it may be boring for a general layman. Having said that, try to modify those conversations with something meaningful- like say those monologues in Midnight mass where its telling the story as well as it s also the state of mind of the character. I would love to see more emotional sub text to these characters . They need to be more human. What is the theme behind it? What are you trying to say? Or is only just a story to engage audience. Think of it before your next draft. Try to bring these subtexts in between the story and not wait till the climax. Give audience a hint yet don't disclose.
This is the story of Sumit, from his college life in Istanbul to his work life in Mumbai where meeting various people on the journey changes his perception of life, love and death