Apart - An Experimental Short short

Sign In to see % Rating

#Drama

When the Protagonist's girlfriend breaks up with him, he deals with it by powering through five intense stages of grief...

Awards

Approved
Nominee Draft #2
Nominee Draft #1

Summary

2 Reviews | 6 pages | 1 year ago | Draft 2
(Not really a drama but there wasn't an "experimental" category.)

The Protagonist meets with his girlfriend in a park, where she breaks up with him. After returning home, he spends his next few weeks going through five intense stages; confusion, humiliation, anger, sadness and acceptance.

**DISCLAIMER** This is supposed to be more of an abstract short, rather than a traditional narrative.

Industry Reviews


Overall, this was a neat short experimental script about dealing with the five stages of grief. The only thing I would really focus on would be adding some sort of build up or rising action that leads to the choice of the young lady breaking up with the protagonist, leading up to his grief and struggles. Other than that, great job here and good luck!

Peer Reviews

Given the contest rules, the seven page limit severely hampered everything overall. Having to cram something as complex as a relationship into that many pages would not have been my first choice. I would maybe pick a certain moment in the relationship and ran with that, but that is just me. Good luck on your screenplay and directing.
Okay sorry for the weak breakdown. I am new to this whole screenwriting/review thing but I want to give my honest opinion here. I, being very new to this actually did enjoy your short. I could easily visualize what the protagonist was going through. And I felt for him. I said the concept was cliché because it’s the common breakup story but it works. I also appreciated that you didn’t make the young woman dislikable. She had a side of the story. A...
Overall, this was a good short that had a good main character, very good action that describes the scene extremely well. The dialogue was good as well at the times that there was. I also liked how you used different things like adding notes and how you used the text messages as well. In conclusion I really enjoyed this story and everything you did with it, everything from the structure to the characters, and the dialogue were extremely good.
This appears to be a shooting script (or close enough), and I was going to comment on that until I realized that the camera directions were as much a character as the two star-crossed lovers...

So, my suggestion for that is simply to get better at representing the camera direction. Look up some shooting scripts and use their structure. Try ones with strange dream sequences like Vanilla Sky, or Source Code, or Dr. Strange and the Multiverse o...
The characterization and dialogue could be improved to make this concept / story great.

Recommended for You

Dreary Night

After receiving a potential life-defining letter, a yound woman sets to ignore the consequences of her action for one last night before facing ugly truths

The Farmers

An elderly couple confront unresolved rivalry when they receive a visit from an estranged family member.

the face off

Trisha, who has been struggling alone with PTSD, finally confronts her mom but gets a surprise at the end.

BlogMother

Subscribe
to our Newsletter

Get up-to-date in industry knowledge, Scripts of the Month and more. By subscribing to our newsletter, you'll never miss the best stuff we have to offer.