The strongest parts of the script were the concept and the story: a weird, almost-alien cadre that controls Hollywood talent. This concept, however, seemed introduced a bit into the story and then forgotten for long periods of time. It is billed as a comedy and a thriller. The thriller part could have been enhanced by shadowy appearances of the Monarch Butterfly people here and there, something to suggest that they were constantly surveilling the characters and their every move. Perhaps start with an appearance by them in the opening, an in media res sort of thing to pique the viewer's interest. Then, Act One could switch back to the world of would-be actors and writers in varying stages of their careers. Through the subsequent acts, the shadow world of the Monarch-Butterfly people could be interwoven until they re-appear in force later in the script. I know you were going for a cliff-hanger/teaser at the end there, but I really would have liked something mysterious but more tangible, like some artifact that could point in a few directions. Maybe there could be something that could indicate the actress and the mysterious clan? Form can seem burdensome sometimes, but sometimes it helps in moving the story forward. In this case, making the form much more visible and following a more traditional structure may have allowed for what I just suggested. Overall, I wanted more of the Monarch Butterfly people as a strand and I wanted to be drawn in more quickly. But, hey, this is just my reading of it. It could sell tomorrow, who knows?
