Lynn Vincentnathan

Lynn V.

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The Venus Syndrome Draft #1

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A soldier from the future travels back in time to stop the American president from unleashing runaway warming.
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LynnVincentnathan
Lynn Vincentnathan 5 years ago

completed a review for

Lily short
Genre: Drama
Rating: 60%
A gripping drama about a girl who resents her real father for abandoning her, but then when she realizes why and that he had been anonymously in touch with her over the years, she forgives him. I’m thinking that structure works, except the ending and Lily’s reversal of emotions came too fast. She should struggle a bit more and feel a terrible loss (that she had hated him for no reason or for not a very good reason). Maybe a few more lines of dialogue. Also, except for Roland’s secretly staying in touch with Lily, he doesn’t seem to have much going in his life -- why was Lily’s mother attracted to him in the 1st place? Perhaps there is some talent or positive about him that was derailed by circumstances (maybe racism) and/or his inability to have a closer relationship with Lily. POSSIBILITIES FOR ADDITIONAL LAYERS (that are not necessary): The mixed race issue and Lily’s mother not wanting Roland in her life -- perhaps understandably because he had been in prison & perhaps had been a bad husband and maybe a neglectful father at the time (before going to prison), or would be bad for Lily -- is underplayed I think. And there’s no indication of why her mother married Roland (tho that’s not necessary either). Lily may have had some problems with racism growing up, and could have used her real father’s support (in addition to her stepfather’s support). And/or, perhaps she could have wanted to be more involved with black culture & society, but without her father, she didn’t really have an in. P1: T, I just got scolded by Mrs.Block. Y (part didn’t show up, it’s white on white) ou and mom can't tell me that you want me to focus my studies then interrupt me when -- mood shifts (with “s”) him? should not be in italics since it reads better without emphasis TIM (V.O.) Lily, listen. It's about your father. [[Character & dialogue should be in italics since it’s coming over the phone.]] “She sits down on bench.” didn’t show up - white on white (beat) (softly) I think this could be written (beat, softly) I sometimes use ... instead of (beat), which I think lets the reader to pause a bit. Also since you mention anger in the action part, you may not need (angrily). My understanding is that we should greatly reduce parentheticals in spec script, unless they are necessary. Often the words in the dialogue by themselves will let the actor know how to say them. P2: I’d delete “How selfish of him.” The rest of that dialogue expresses this. P3: early-60s --> early 60s (I don’t think the hyphen is necessary, but would be useful for, say, mid-60s) and I think only the age should be in parentheses, the rest of the description not. so: ROLAND (early 60s), black, thin, tired looking sits... gon' --> gonna (reads more smoothly) her Roland (delete “here”) Samantha, you can go home for the day (delete “for the day”) P4: for too long (delete “for”) LILY (deadpan stare) No. Roland is fine. (this dialogue may not be necessary, just the deadpan stare). P5: “by now.” (could probably be deleted) (pissed) may not be necessary. The dialogue says it and the fact that she uses “Roland” means she’s not taking anything from him. “Please, sit down and let me explain.” I’m thinking perhaps added, “I wanted to for some time, but--” (that would make him a bit more sincere).
LynnVincentnathan
Lynn Vincentnathan 5 years ago

just claimed a review for a script.

Lily short
Genre: Drama
A young woman finds out that the biological father she's never known is terminally ill. One of his final requests is to see her before he passes.
LynnVincentnathan
Lynn Vincentnathan 5 years ago

uploaded a script.

The Venus Syndrome feature
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
A soldier from the future travels back in time to stop the American president from unleashing runaway warming.
LynnVincentnathan
Lynn Vincentnathan 5 years ago

just joined ScriptMother!